I had not seen a close friend for a while. She is a good person but we are both in a very difficult situation where we can't really say what we truly feel. I thought I might see her yesterday evening. It wasn't planned. And I did. I was happy. As I mentioned earlier - I hadn't seen her for a while.
To my surprise, she revved her car back and forth looking away when I was waving frantically to get her attention. Did she not see me in the dark? Or should I overthink this and ponder that she is perhaps avoiding me? She did later carry a conversation with me when our daughters were there. Did she not want to be alone with me, for fear of stirred up feelings? Did I do something to garner such a reaction from her? I returned home with a heavy heart all confused. Just when I thought things were going well between us...
It has been 4 years since our fallout. Interesting that she can still be so affected when I'm alright and kind of accepted the nature of our friendship. I have managed to go on with my life on my own. I wish I could help her but I can't if she doesn't allow me to. My hands are tied if she doesn't open up to me. She thinks I can't see her awkwardness and her sudden change in behaviour when she sees me unexpectedly. She thinks I don't notice, but I do. She thinks that I don't know that I am discussed often. And with whom I am discussed with. But I do. It is alright with me, if it helps her deal with her emotional rollercoaster. Actually, I'm glad she has someone who got her back.
How do I know? Intuition - its God's way of reaching out to us, to give us a heads up. I hope and pray that the day will come soon when she realises that she is stronger than she thinks she is. I can't stress enough how much she needs His guidance to fight this insecurity regarding our friendship.
May God bless you with strength and I wait for the day when you will open up your heart to me.
Update early Oct : I bounced back in 2 days but couldn't stand the suspense and the nagging thought in my head. So, I asked her. She was honest and told me that yes, she did see me then but perhaps she was busy answering messages or dressed in her drabby home clothes which prevented her from stepping out. She added that she is quite comfortable with our friendship :) and that she wasn't doing anything intentionally to avoid me. She even apologised for troubling me. I found that very sweet of her. I am glad she was honest about the whole thing. Again, I am guilty of overthinking. Gosh! When will I change ?
My home is
usually in a mess and has dust settled on almost everything. But I believe laughter and love will win the day. In 20 years, my girls won't remember how messy the house was but will remember the time we spent together and the love they felt...